


Whenever I Fall At Your Feet

by LadyBayba_ReyloGoddess



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben is very oblivious, Ben isolates himself on Naboo after the Force brings him back, Ben likes to take Rey right here right now, Ben wants to be a stand up guy, Ben your Kylo is showing, Blue Lagoon vibes, Clearing the air, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enthusiastic cunnilingus, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Forgiveness, Happy Ending, Loss of Virginity, Planet Naboo (Star Wars), Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Rey came to get her man, Rey came to get what she deserves, Rey is horny AF for her man, Rey is more than willing, Rey wants to take this lying down, Seriously lets do this, Smut, Touch-Starved, Unca Wanwo is a romantic at heart, banging will balance the force, even tho he’s still pissed at Ben, slight angst, slight feeding kink, virgins in space, ”I don’t think so.” Feral hungry Rey, ”Let’s take this slow” Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:26:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25218484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBayba_ReyloGoddess/pseuds/LadyBayba_ReyloGoddess
Summary: The moment Ben had become one with the Force, his entire shift from hither to nether was comforting—warm—welcoming. It had been a sigh of relief once he felt himself move along to be where he always knew he’d end up.And the girl whose tears of loss spilled onto cold stone where his body once lay found acceptance in his reassurance that he would always be with her. And that had been the finale in a long and overdue bow and exit from the mortal coil.So into the light he went. Embracing his new reality (or lack thereof) and settling into the fine silken webbing of harmonious desolation in the ethereal wholeness of the inbetween.That is until the Force spat him back out like rotten fruit.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 62
Kudos: 169





	1. The Finger Of Blame

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve had this post-TROS fix it idea dancing around in my head for a while and I’ve decided after months of holding it inside to let it tango out my fingertips. Hope you all enjoy. ❤️

Well, he had done it.

He hadn’t come to the decision lightly but come to it he had.

It felt like maybe it should have been more difficult but in reality, it was like turning off a spigot and stopping the flow of gushing water. Still, it felt like perhaps there was a slow leak because he still felt the trickle of it in the back of his mind.

But he knew she knew. And he couldn’t have that.

The moment Ben had become one with the Force, his entire shift from hither to nether was comforting—warm—welcoming. It had been a sigh of relief once he felt himself move along to be where he always knew he’d end up.

And the girl whose tears of loss spilled onto cold stone where his body once lay found acceptance in his reassurance that he would always be with her. And that had been the finale in a long and overdue bow and exit from the mortal coil.

So into the light he went. Embracing his new reality (or lack thereof) and settling into the fine silken webbing of harmonious desolation in the ethereal wholeness of the inbetween.

That is until the force spat him back out like rotten fruit.

_‘Not done_ ’, he was told. ‘ _No longer balanced_ ’, it spoke through him like a subconscious thought.

It had been Lando that he had sought out. Of all the people on all the planets in all the galaxy, Ben knew if he wanted his resurrection to be kept secret and confine himself to a life of solitude and penance, his uncle would be the only one who _could_ know without intervening or attempting to dissuade him.

Sure he had gambled with the fact that maybe, _just_ maybe… his uncle might want to rip him apart limb from traitorous limb for ultimately killing his life long friend and putting a wedge between his parents because of his turn to the dark side and in turn, breaking his mother’s heart… but what Ben also knew is that Lando was lead by loyalty. Perhaps not to him. But to the very least, Leia and Han.

And if the Force had stupidly and mistakenly given Ben another shot, that wasn’t for Lando to counteract.

So after a long winded explanation at the request of his estranged Uncle, some serious groveling— the fault of some wonderfully well-aged Corellian whiskey— and a bit of shameful pleading, Lando had begrudgingly relinquished half the credits that he had inherited after the entire Skywalker line had been rubbed out as well as the small estate in the clearing on the edge of the sacred forest on the banks of the Solleu River of Naboo.

He thought back on the last bit of the conversation he had with the man he had once thought was the greatest man in the galaxy… next to his dad, of course. A man that had once loved him as his own son.

A man that now stared at him as if he were the lowest scum of the galaxy.

Lando’s eyes that had once been filled with so much joy when he saw Ben now held nothing but stern resentment tinged with a slight touch of what Ben could only presume, he thought with vile contempt for himself, as fear.

It rocked him as the reality of the choices he had made over the course of his life sunk in. Ben realized that this wasn’t the last time he would be looked upon as if he were nothing. He _was_ nothing, after all. Ben knew that he deserved it but he couldn’t help but immediately mourn the look of love he would never again see staring back at him.

Ben stammered, trying to find the words to express his need for isolation due to his utter self-disgust. He was doing exactly what everyone would want him to do if they knew he were alive.

And that was to fuck off somewhere and never to be heard from again.

As if he were still dead.

“I need time, Lando. I need to figure out my place now that I’m back. I need to clear my head.”

“You need to do some major soul searching is what you need to do, boy. You’ve done a lot of people a lot of damage. I’m surprised you had the rocks to come to me after all of it.”

Ben hung his head. Shame and anger and pure, white hot, unadulterated self loathing coursed through his entire being.

“However…” Lando continued.

Ben looked up and watched the intensity in his gaze falter slightly.

“I’m glad.”

Ben nodded, slightly relieved. “Thank you. You have no idea how much—“

“I’m glad you didn’t go to _her_.”

Ben’s head shot up. His entire body on edge at the mention of _her_.

His _her_.

“She’s had an awful time of it after the war, Ben. The last few times I saw that girl, she looked as though she’d been put through the wringer. Finn insists she’s haunted. Looking for ghosts, perhaps.” Lando stared at him pointedly.

Ben’s heart sank and soared all at once. He felt himself go still so as not to give away the fact that he wanted nothing more than for him to continue. He wanted nothing more than to needle him for more information and how he wished for his bitter uncle to prattle on and on with anything and everything concerning her. But he was treading on thin ice with this man as it was.

Looking for ghosts, indeed. He knew what Lando meant. Looking for ghosts meant looking for him. The moment he saw that she was safe with her friends, he had melted away and left her to it. He hadn’t said a word to her since he assured her he would always be with her and then like a coward, like the complete waste that he was, he drifted away from her and back to the comforting nothingness of the Force.

He had left her. After he had said he’d always be there.

After he promised her that she wasn’t alone.

Suddenly, Ben's heart was pounding. It felt like it was about to rocket right out of his chest at light speed. His breathing was coming faster and more erratic and he felt dizzy and burning up all at once. His skin felt too constricting, the air around him too thick.

For someone that once trained in the ways of a Jedi… all his training and centering and meditating he had once learned had completely gone out the window at the mere mention of the very reason the Force had sent him back here. And here he was; this shaky, sweaty, blithering, panicky mess.

Ben felt himself start trembling and it was becoming harder and harder to take a deep breath; his lungs working overtime to try and bring oxygen into his bloodstream.

Not three days back and he was having a full blown panic attack.

“Woah, alright big man.” Lando said as he gestured for him to sit. “She’s alright. She’s not in any danger.” He tried to reassure him.

Ben sat as Lando had instructed and fought to control his breathing. He closed his eyes and struggled to conjure up the lessons his _other_ uncle had once taught him.

‘ _Breathe in.’_

_‘Breathe out.’_

‘ _Center yourself. Concentrate. Feel your surroundings.’_

He felt his lungs contract and expand, taking in a little more air. His head feeling a little less dizzy, his perspiration started to cool on his skin as he leaned forward and placed his head in his large, clammy hands.

Who was he kidding? He _was_ a mess.

“Wow.” Lando said, looking down into his whiskey; dragging the tip of his index finger along the smooth rim of the glass.

“What?” Ben demanded muffled from behind hands that currently hid his face as he somewhat regained control of himself.

When Lando didn’t answer, Ben peaked at him through his fingers and saw the older man smirking at him with a knowing twinkle in his eye.

“You really love her, don’t you.”  
  


Ben held his gaze. His answer amplified by saying nothing as the silence stretched around them. What was the point in answering?

Without the protection of his mask, his eyes had always given everything away anyways.

Lando nodded and smiled a smarmy grin towards the waitress to beckon her over for a refill.

“Uncle Lando?” Ben said, his voice cracking slightly.

The older man looked back at his nephew with a raised brow.

“If you see her...”

He paused and pursed his lips.

“If I see her, what?”

“Tell her,” he swallowed hard before continuing. “Nothing. Tell her nothing.”

“You mean you’re really not gonna let her know that you’re—“

“Nothing, do you hear me?” Ben said more sternly, his voice rising an octave. “You never saw me, okay? I don’t exist.”

Lando leaned back in his chair staring at him as he waited for the waitress to top him off and walk away. He let out a long slow breath, picked up his glass and held it up to Ben in a mock sort of cheers.

“Doesn’t matter.” He said, taking a large swig of the cool whisky. “You’re fucked no matter what you do, Little Starfighter.”

And that’s how Ben found himself hidden away in the shady shadows on the edge of a pristine, emerald forest that lay upon the banks of a riverbed, standing on the front porch of a small cottage that had once belonged to his grandmother on the very planet she had once governed.

He watched birds swoop over the shore of the river as the sun began to sink into the mountains in the distance; warm oranges and pinks danced along the surface of the water as the last of it’s rays sprinkled along the tree tops. Though the picture the world painted was magnificent, his thoughts were very far away from the planet he currently found himself existing on.

His thoughts drifted to sun soaked, freckled skin, a toothy grin and the smell of baked earth surrounding him while he sat on cold, damp stone. He thought of wisps of dark hair tangled in his fingers that had fallen from an elegant three bun hair style, mussed from countless battles and sleepless nights. He thought of full, soft lips descending upon his own, of bated breath and private smiles.

Ben closed his eyes. His fingers coming to skim across his slightly chapped lips as if he could still feel it. The kiss she had given him that had been his everything. All the small moments of his life had amounted to that one perfect moment with her. The only perfect moment he would ever and will ever have.

With the most perfect being in existence.

The person he disappointed more than anybody else in his life. The person that he knew he couldn’t keep disappointing. He refused.

_‘I know what I have to do.’_

So with all the strength he could muster, all the willpower he had left after everything, after months of walling himself up and shutting everything out, he took a vast look out over the setting sun, shut his eyes—

And closed himself off from the Force.

Ben’s eyes flew open and he took a few deep breaths, settling himself into his new reality. Without the feeling of air around him or the ground below him. Without the vast stretch of endless space and time and light and dark pulling at him like a warm embrace from an old foe.

‘ _Good fucking riddance.’_ He thought before turning around, going inside and slamming the door behind him.

  
  


***

The next morning, Ben had woken up early. Usually he forced himself to sleep as long as his body would let him to lock out the hum of the force, bracing himself so as to not let his walls slip so that he may shield himself against any other force users who might have sensed him since his return. He had done a bang up job, if he did say so himself. He didn’t want to be found and so he kept his walls high.

Except, of course, the few times he sensed that _someone_ out there was trying to feel for him. And he had let his stronghold weaken for a brief moment before slamming his shields up against the intrusion.

But today, there was no hum. There was no pull or push of the Force beating against his mind like wings on a caged bird.

Today there was just… nothing. And for the first time in months, Ben put both feet on the floor and started his day with a lightness to his step.

First he went out to the garden that was located to the right of the small house. When he had first arrived, the garden was a mess. Overgrown with weeds and vines that he pulled with his own bare hands. He surprised himself that his years of tutelage under a princess and then his humble existence as a padawan and then finally, his brief stint as ruler of a galaxy hadn’t rendered him completely incompetent at being physically productive.

When small herbs and fern potatoes and other crops started popping up under the warm rays of the bright Nabooian sun coaxed by some gentle nursing with spring water to feed their parched roots, Ben finally understood the saying ‘you reap what you sow.’

It truly was a privilege to watch something that was once wretched and unwanted grow into something healthy and strong.

Placing his freshly picked gatherings in a basket and bringing them inside, Ben rinsed them and put them aside. He boiled some barkmeal broth that he had in preparations to make a stew. He had picked up some Fromirian queg from the marketplace that he roasted with some Rodian peppers and kukuia nuts leftover that would serve well in the stew along with the fern potatoes and herbs.

Ben’s mind had started to ease slightly as he worked. He let his hands take over the mindless task of destemming and mincing and chopping and adding things to the broth as he finished prepping. It felt marvelous not to think for once.

Ben seasoned the broth once more before placing the lid tightly on top of the large pot and lowering the flame to let it come to a simmer.

He had always pictured this somewhere in the dregs of his mind. Late at night on board the supremacy when he was by himself and there were no documents to look over, no officer to alert him to a sighting of a member of the resistance or battle plans to lay out… he would dream of simplicity.

Of normalcy he could provide for himself... and for _her_.

He imagined feeding her. All the wonderful delicacies the galaxy had to offer. Honey rich cakes and decadent sauces on expertly cooked meats. He’d think about her mouth full of food which always somehow ended up with her mouth being full of his cock by the end of the silly day dream that he knew would never come to fruition.

But more than that, he imagined conversation and laughter. Eating together and sleeping together. Just being with her.

But he knows now what he knew even then. She deserves so, so much more than the likes of him.

But a man could still dream. And his dreams were always of her. _Her_.

The girl. His nemesis. His ally. His hope. His light. His scavenger. His—

A soft knock on the door shook him out of his thoughts.

Confused by who would ever be knocking at his door, he set down the knife and pondered for a moment. He had gone to town to buy everyday items and goods from the marketplace on numerous occasions but he had always worn a hooded cloak to blend in and was always cautious as he departed that nobody had noticed or followed him.

So who could possibly be knocking at his door?

Ben supposed there could have been a missed tax on the property, it wad been under the operation of Lando Calrissian after all. Or maybe it was a town councilman that was conducting a census, perhaps.

Ben wiped his hand on a towel that he then threw over his shoulder, his other hand still clutching the herbs by the stems as he made his way over to the door and wrenched it open, prepared to dismiss whoever was behind it.

But no words came as his mouth dropped open and the herbs he held in his large grasp flittered to the worn wood floor around a pair of familiar beige boots. Boots that were attached to long toned calves and thighs wrapped in snowy white leggings that matched her stark white tunic that held a small waist and pert breasts. Finally, Ben looked into her face whose lips he could still feel the phantom touch of against his own. The face of the person he had been running from, or maybe running after, since as far back as he could remember.

He tried to say something, anything, but his voice failed him as his heart thundered in his chest and his world shifted.

“Rey.” He finally choked out.

She looked at him with a steady gaze before giving him a quick up and down. Her face set; clear hazel eyes determined and a small lift at the corners of her pouty mouth.

“Hello, Ben.”

Looks like Lando was right.

He was so fucked.


	2. Counting The Steps To The Door Of Your Heart

“So.” Rey said breaking the tension as they sat across from each other at the tiny wood table inside the even smaller kitchen area, the stew bubbling happily behind her. She chewed her lower lip nervously and watched as she quietly tapped her nail against the dark kriin-wood tabletop, giving her hands something to do and her eyes something to follow.

Ben, on the other hand, was still and pensive. He sat calmly and stared at her, blinking every few moments as if he couldn’t believe she was real and any movement he made might make her disappear.

“So.” He echoed. His deep voice was soft and low.

He was nervous. Or at least, that’s what she suspected he was as he sat there chewing his lip in a way that she found a little more enticing that she should have.

The moment he opened the door, that was it. It was over. This is where she belonged. This is where she was always meant to be.

Here.

With him. 

Rey wasn’t quite sure if Ben was convinced of this but she was sure it wouldn’t take her long to make him understand if he didn’t already.

They belonged together.

So the moment she felt him open his eyes and take air into his lungs, she was in the small x-wing Rey had gutted, rebuilt and made her own faster than you could say ‘lightspeed’.

It was electric. A lightning bolt that went straight to her heart and she felt a familiar warm glow inside of her that had been snuffed out on a fateful night on a remote and barren planet after winning a fight that was never really hers to begin with.

The night his heart stopped beating and hers shattered into pieces.

Of course, she did what she always did. She held her head high and kept on moving.

Rey was a survivor after all. So she did the only thing she had really ever been good at.

Waiting.

Rey knew it was only a matter of time before all her pleading and communing with the Jedi of the past was heard. She was right, after all. There was no way that _that_ was how the Skywalker lineage ended. And Rey saw to it that she pleaded her case daily to anybody who would listen on the other side.

She had become quite good at breaking through to the Jedi masters of the past once she finally got the hang of it. Leia had taught her well and she definitely put that knowledge to good use.

After Ben had disappeared and she could no longer feel his presence, Rey was determined to not give up. She knew he was out there, somewhere, an existence as existential as her own but on another level. Maybe she couldn’t hear him or feel him, but she refused to accept that Ben was really gone.

Because no one was ever really gone.

Her attempts to reach him however, went mostly unanswered. As she lay in bed on nights when she would miss him most, Rey would reach for that invisible string that tethered them together. A lifeline that had somehow alway been there… connecting the two of them… a connection that had survived even in one of their untimely demise… and _tug._

Rey mostly felt okay about being met with nothing but silence because her main purpose was to let him know that she was still there… not giving up. 

And she never did.

They _would_ have time. One day.

And now here they were. Endless time in front of them as she sat across from her once ill fated sworn enemy turned soulmate turned estranged lover (if you could call them that) and not more than three sentences had passed between them since he opened the door to let her in.

If this were a few months ago, she wouldn't have thought twice before laying it all out on the table. Basically that she’d like him to lay _her_ out on the table and do things she’d only heard about on the holonet. But something about Ben’s demeanor stopped her. She had known the man once called Kylo Ren and only glimpsed pieces of Ben Solo in between all the fighting and squabbling they did from across a galaxy… but this person that sat before her wasn’t as sure… not nearly as cocky and certainly not as confident as his former self and it was for that reason that Rey decided to approach this a little differently.

“You look good, Ben. It seems death agreed with you.” Rey said smiling behind a steaming mug of Blue Honeycup tea that Ben had made her as she curiously looked around his small cottage when she first arrived.

Ben refocused his gaze on her and sat up a little straighter in his chair.

“Yeah, well.” He said with a small smirk staring down into his own mug and watched as the steam billowed out from the tea’s frothy surface. “They don’t call it the big sleep for nothing.”

”Quite finished, then?” She queried.

Ben stared at her for a moment and his expression quickly changed and he looked at her with something that resembled regret.

Rey pouted as she realized that perhaps her attempt to tease was being taken too much to heart. Who was this man? Rey tried to read him, just slightly brushed against his mind to get a sense of what he was feeling. But the moment she attempted this, she gasped. She couldn’t feel him. She wasn’t even met with a wall or him shielding against her intrusion. There was just… nothing. As if he were Poe or Rose sitting before her. She couldn’t sense his force signature anywhere. It was almost as if he— 

_No._ He couldn’t. He _wouldn’t._ Could he actually have been stupid enough to have...

“Did you—” She started and stopped, her mouth gaping open in disbelief. “Did you pull a _Skywalker_?”

Ben, who still seemed lost in his own thoughts, snapped his attention to her as if he had been caught doing something he very obviously shouldn’t. His forlorn expression he wore deepened and he furrowed his brows in defense.

“Is that a _thing?”_ He asked, both shocked and impressed at the quickness she was able to give the act of Force abandonment a name.

“Well, if you’ve done what I think you’ve done and closed yourself off from the Force like your hermit uncle also attempted, I’d say it most certainly is now!” Rey half shouted.

Ben’s face reddened. His shame and anger evident, he rose from his chair and began pacing around the small living space that was adjacent to the kitchen table where Rey still sat awaiting an answer.

He ran his hands through his hair roughly once, twice and then brought it back down to his side and huffed, looking at her once more.

“What do you want from me, Rey? I know I’m not doing this right. I know you deserve answers and explanations but you should know this by now.” He said gruffly as he came to stand still in the middle of the living room. “I’m not a good man, Rey. I’m not…”

Ben searched for words to describe what he wasn’t but must have let whatever he was going to say die on his tongue and instead looked down bashfully at his feet and shrugged. 

Rey looked at him. This pulchritudinous man who was once so full of vain confidence that it radiated through his entire being now seemed so desolate, small and broken. And for all her months of longing, Rey wanted nothing more than to go to him and hold him; shake him out of this depression that he so obviously wallowed in and tell him that it didn’t have to be so fucking bleak! They had each other now, he was alive and so was she and it should be a cause of celebration not mourning. 

Rey then realized that she was only left to question what he was feeling since he obviously wasn’t about to verbalize it and she couldn’t rely on the Force for help since it seems he’s shut her out.

Okay. 

So perhaps he needed time. Fine, then she’d give that to him. But by the wrath of Riia, she will not let him wallow in this self pity much longer because Rey had other plans and those plans were to be happy, damn it! She intended on a happiness that neither of them had ever been gifted and she was determined to see that through for them both.

And if words failed him, Rey would just have to make him _show_ her all the things he felt.

With newfound determination, Rey nodded to herself and squared her shoulders, placing her mug down gently on the table. The legs of the chair vibrated loudly against the floor, shattering the silence that had taken over the room. Slowly, she made her way over to where he stood.

Ben tensed. His body rigid as she faced him as if he was terrified of her, and perhaps he should be. She wasn’t going to make this easy on him. But those eyes of his betrayed him as they always did and he looked at her with that same soft, longing gaze she remembered from a lifetime ago.

Rey looked down at his hands and softly ran her fingertips along his knuckles in silent permission. His small gasp at her touch warmed her all the way down to her toes and her heart felt like it did a somersault in her chest.

Just touching him like this felt surreal and it hit her right then, right at that very moment, just how intensely _real_ this actually was. How the last time she touched him like this, that warmth she now felt so fevered in her bones had disappeared moments later and left her with an icy coldness of the likes she’d never known. Only this time, when they touched, it wouldn’t be for but a moment.

This time, she gets to keep him.

With suppressed tears in her eyes, Rey grasped his hands in hers and held them tightly, bringing them up to press against her chest between them; his fist held firmly against her wildly beating heart. Rey’s eyes shined as she stared back at him.

“You, Ben Solo, are so much more than you think you are _._ ” She swallowed down her emotions before they were fully able to bubble to the surface and ruin this moment. “It’s why the Force gave you a second chance.” She lowered her head and brought his hands to her lips and bestowed upon them a feather soft kiss. “Gave _us_ a second chance.”

Ben’s lip looked like it faltered slightly and he bit to keep it still. 

“Rey.” Ben whispered reverently as he unfurled his hand from hers and placed it against her cheek, his thumb caressing her jawline. His hand was so wide and large and warm and Rey closed her eyes to bask in the safety it provided. 

“Ben.” She echoed, longing to close the distance between them and finally feel his lips against hers once more. “Ben, I—“

A loud, disruptive sizzling noise hissed as the long forgotten stew boiled over onto the stove creating a cloud of steam and splatters.

“Kriff.” Ben said under his breath. He looked regretfully back at Rey, gave her cheek one last light stroke with his thumb before letting his hand fall and rushed over to remove the pot from the stove to halt the angry sputtering of liquid from the pots top.

Ben leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest.

And just like that, it was awkward again.

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


“Let’s try this again.” He said with a small shrug of his shoulders and gestured back to their seats.

Rey nodded and made her way back to the table to sit down, picking up her drink once more and taking a large sip.

Ben grimaced as he sat across from her once more as she continued to guzzle her tea that was, at least by Bens’ standards, too hot to drink down that quickly. But growing up the way she did, he knew Rey never really learned patience when it came to either food or drink and with that thought came another wave of guilt.

“Smells good at least.” Rey said, breaking him out of his thoughts.

Ben’s eyes focused his gaze on the pot behind her. “Yeah I um, made a strew.”

“I didn’t know you could cook.”

_‘Because I never got the chance to tell you.’_ His shoulders deflated slightly as he finished her words in his head. _‘There are so many things you don’t know about me and I, about you.’_

But _oh,_ how he longed to know more.

How he longed for _just_ her. The longer she sat there in front of him awkwardly making chit chat about the mundane, the more the urge to reach out and touch her again became more and more difficult to ignore.

But ignore that instinct, he must.

From the moment he was brought back, he knew that the best shot Rey had at a normal, happy fulfilling life was to stay as far away from him and his dark past as possible.

And he had gone to many lengths to ensure distance. Both physically and mentally. Although he knew it would be difficult with their connection, especially since it had flared the moment he opened his eyes and tried to remember how to use his lungs properly, that connection only solidified his decision to cut himself off from the Force for good.

Luke _had_ had the right idea… for once in his miserable existence.

But now here she was. Sitting before him in a quaint little house, the aroma of freshly cooked food permeating the air and looking just as beautiful as he remembered.

“You should stay for dinner.” He offered causally, grasping at anything that might make her stay just a little bit longer. His lack of conversational skills were obviously not going to do the trick. But Ben _had_ been inside her mind and though he may not have any prior experience, he knew that the way to Rey’s heart was through her stomach.

Rey looked relieved and nodded her enthusiasm. “Honestly, I thought you’d never ask.”

“Good.” Ben said with some resolve. “Because I’m starving.”

He got up and grabbed them some small wooden bowls that he started ladling food into. He placed one of the bowls, piping hot in front of her along with a spoon and a cutting board with a loaf of freshly baked five blossom bread atop it. 

“I’m hoping you’ll tell me how you’ve been. What you’ve been up to since…” Ben let the words _‘since I died’_ hover unspoken in the air between them as he sat across from her once more and picked up his own spoon.

Rey, bless her, seemed as though she had half heard the question as she had already started shoveling large spoonfuls of stew into her mouth. Her cheeks bulged from the effort of trying to keep all the contents of said stew from escaping her lips. Rey hummed in approval as she swallowed.

“This is delicious.” She said, sliding another gargantuan bite into her mouth. She reached across the table to tear off a chunk of bread, completely ignoring the serrated knife beside it. 

Rey took the too large chunk and plopped it into her meal, only to then open her lips wide to receive the entire piece.

Ben watched her, flabbergasted

Ben had always eaten a meal like this by dipping his spoon gently into his food, sliding it away from his person and using the side of the bowl opposite him as leverage as etiquette had taught him.

Rey on the other hand, plunked her spoon into her bowl and brought whatever she could collect into her mouth as fast as humanly possible so as not to lose what she was able to scoop up.

Ben somehow found this almost endearing; so much so that he couldn’t look away. He should have soldiered on and continued eating his meal but he just could not stop staring at her.

Because watching Rey eat, an act that most people might find ill-mannered and crass, Ben found to be one of the most erotic things he had ever witnessed in his entire life.

This one or the last.

Between being a padawan and being forbidden from forming either emotional or _physical_ attachments to ruling a galaxy and not having the time, Ben had really never been exposed to the opposite sex in this way. Sure, he knew things and had plenty of fevered daydreams about the two of them when it came to him and this culinarily inept savage that sat before him, (who was currently shoveling yet another piece of saturated bread into her mouth and ‘mmm’ing around it’s crusty exterior; licking a dribble of sauce off her finger and then the side of her lip, her pink tongue darting out just enough to make him swallow hard), but Ben had never really experienced this firsthand.

The painfully awkward, white hot, sensual, throbbing and needy, out of control feeling of being so blissfully turned on by the actions of another person, he could barely see straight.

It was a realization so vivid, he had to take several deep breaths in and out through his nose just to keep himself seated so as not to flip the table and fling its contents all over the wall and floor, and ravage her against the counter. He imagined his hand dipping into the gravy and bringing it to her lips so she could suck it off his fingertips as he fucked into her from behind…

“Ben?” Rey said having stopped eating. Her voice sounded slightly cautious as she must have noticed him staring at her with his mouth agape. “Aren’t you hungry?”

Ben blinked out of his heated thoughts and refocused his gaze on her, snapping his jaw shut and wiping at this mouth with the side of his hand where drool had started to gather.

Ben was hungry, alright. And not for the food that sat in front of him.

He wanted to devour something else entirely.

Ben gave her a quick flash of a grin, pretending that he hadn’t almost come in his pants from watching her eat and tucked into his own meal.

This seemed to quell her hesitation as she settled back into her dinner. “What do you want to know first?” She asked.

Ben chewed his food slowly and thought for a moment. “I guess—“ Ben took another bite and swallowed. “I suppose I’d like to know how you found me.”

“Ah.” She said and sipped her now room temperature tea. “I’ll answer that as soon as you tell me _why_ you think closing yourself off from the very thing you’re here to help balance is a good idea.”

He should have known his clever girl would never give something without getting something in return.

“Simple.” He said returning his spoon to lay next to his barely touched food. “I didn’t want to be found.”

Rey looked around the small cottage and then back at him. “Yeah, I gathered that. But _why,_ Ben. Why after everything would you come to the lonely end of a planet to be by yourself? I thought at the very least you might have—“ she stopped, pushing her now empty bowl away from her and placing her hands in her lap. “Doesn’t matter.” 

“Rey look, I know this probably isn’t how you imagined us reuniting and I am sorry that this is all just so… so…” Ben struggled to find the words.

“Awkward.” Rey finished.

“Yes, awkward.” Ben agreed. “I wasn’t expecting this.”

Rey nodded in agreement and stood up, collecting their bowls and bringing them over to the small sink to wash and rinse them before placing them back on the shelf she had seen Ben grab them from.

He watched her as she cleaned up after their meal and suddenly, the vision before him seemed so wildly domestic it made his heart physically ache inside his chest. Ache for what could have been, angry once again at himself for allowing it to become what it had.

Perhaps if he had gone with Han that day when he begged him to instead of driving a laser sword through his fathers chest. A thought that still brings him violently out of sleep each night, clutching at the same spot on his own body and feeling a searing hot pain so real, it was as if it had happened to him.

He had felt it after all. 

The Force was cunning like that.

Ben imagines that he would have gone with them to the rebel base and his mother would have embraced him. Hugged him so tight in her fierce grip, he’d feel like his bones, along with his heart, might break.

Everyone on base would have given him the cold shoulder of course, including Rey and her friend; the storm trooper who had defected upon their first year meeting.

She would have slowly come around though. He would have seen to it. He would have given it his all to do right by her, after what he had done. Making up for the past before it was too late.

They would have discovered the true meaning of the bond between them together and it would have served to make their passion grow beyond anything either of them could have ever thought possible.

They would have fallen in love. 

_Fallen. The way love should be discovered._

He would have taken her to see the stars and made her a home and given her children and he would have provided her with the life she so very richly deserved.

But instead he had made mistake after mistake after miserable mistake and that’s why he had banished himself to a remote spot in the mid rim to atone for all the mistakes he couldn’t fix in self-isolation.

That is, until Rey showed up and ruined his plans.

“Well, I don’t care that it’s awkward. I came to see this through and I intend to.” She said turning to face him after washing the last spoon, once again breaking him out of his own head and forcing him back to the here and now.

Ben looked perplexed. “See what through? I don’t understand.”

“You will.” Rey stated firmly.

Ben stood up and came closer, confusion evident on his pale face. “What exactly do I need to understand?” He asked skeptically. “I didn’t ask for this, Rey. I wanted to be left alone and for you to carry on without the weight of me and my stupid dark past pulling you down. I deserve nothing more than to let my guilt and the reality of my decisions get the best of me day after day and as soon as you leave, that’s exactly what I intend to continue doing.” Ben stated hotly.

Who did she think she was, barging in here and messing up his plans? Her and her bright smile and perfect mouth and atrocious table manners, telling him what was what.

“Well that’s the thing, you see.” She said and took another determined step towards him. “I’m not leaving, actually. I’ve decided I’m going to stay for a little while.”

“Oh?” Ben asked, his eye brows rising in surprise. “You are, huh? And I don’t even have a say in this?” He asked sarcastically.

“No. You don’t.” 

“Fine. Fine, that’s fine. I can tell you which accommodations in town would be the most—“

Rey didn’t let him finish and instead walked to the front door, opened it and slammed it behind her leaving Ben to fume in the kitchen without so much as a goodbye or an idea as to when she might be back.

Even though she had given him what he said he wanted, Ben’s basic instincts took over and he practically sprinted for the front door to follow her. Before his legs could carry him another step, however, the door swung back open and Rey walked through it, a large duffle over her shoulder and dropped it heavy on the wood floor by the sofa.

“I’m not staying in town. I’m staying here. With you.” She declared, her tone cool and even.

Realization dawned on Ben just how serious she was and just how little strength he had to fight her on this. 

Rey was going to be here for the unforeseeable future and there was nothing he could or, if he was really honest with himself, _would_ do about it. She was here to stay for as long as he’d have her. And that’s what he was most afraid of.

He wanted her. 

Wanted her so badly that all good intentions were out the window the second the words were out of her mouth that she had zero intention on leaving any time soon. She would be here, eating and sleeping and _living_ with him under the same roof.

Ben was stunned. Wasn’t he supposed to be keeping as far away from this woman as possible? Wasn’t his plan up until about an hour ago to ensure she had a decent chance at happiness? 

How then was it possible that his entire thought process changed by just the nearness of her?

No. No he would not relent. She wanted to test his limits, fine. She could stay here and they could cohabitate together. Maybe even form some kind of friendship without the bond and without the Force. See how compatible they _really_ were.

In the end, she would see that they weren’t and that he wasn’t worth it to begin with. She would leave knowing better and he would remain in his little house on this planet he chose just because it was dressed yearly with the green color he had seen in her dreams and he would be left with nothing more than the shattered remnants of his wounded heart and the mere memory of _her._

Rey tapped her foot and he looked at her. His eyes pleaded with her not to do this. To please, just leave and save them both from having to find out what he already knew to be true deep within his soul.

“Are we good, then?”

But all Ben could do was nod his agreement.

“Good. Well I’m going to freshen up and unpack. I’ll park myself right here on the sofa and I do not want an argument from you. I've been roughing it my whole life and this will be like a tiny piece of heaven compared to what I’ve slept on in the past. Now, where do you keep your towels? I need a shower.”

Ben gulped. That was _another_ thing she would be doing under the same roof.

He went to grab her what she requested from the small closet near the bedroom. He came back and handed it to her. She took it thankfully and moved past him to make her way to the fresher but before she could get very far, Ben reached out and gently grabbed her hand, stopping her. Rey’s breathing picked up as she looked down at where his large hand engulfed her own and then back up at his face.

“Tell me.” His thumb unconsciously played with the delicate skin of her slight wrist.

“Tell you what?” She asked slightly dazed.

“How you found me.”

Rey gave his hand a light squeeze before letting it go.

“Lando.”

Great. Just as he thought. Fucking, Lando. He should have known better than to trust that slimy, no good, old space pirate. So much for loyalty.

“Perfect.” He muttered.

“Don’t be cross. I would have taken the information by force if he hadn’t given it to me willingly.” Rey smiled in jest and turned to make her way towards the fresher.

“What exactly did he tell you.. what did the bastard have to say?” Ben asked scornfully before she could close the door behind her.

“He didn’t, actually.” She confessed. “He sent me a message along with the coordinates to this spot on Naboo. I thought it was quite strange, really.”

“What did the message say?” He asked, sounding just as tired as he felt from the drastic turn the day had taken.

“Just one word.” 

Ben’s eyes met hers as she spoke it.

“Hope.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos = 😎 
> 
> Comments = ⛽️


	3. Finding That Wherever There Is Comfort, There Is Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey gulped and really looked at him. A good hard look and he could only imagine what she saw. His posture was still hunched and his hands were clenched into the dirt which he must have done in a last ditch effort to not attempt to act out his depraved thoughts.

At first, it seemed easy. Being with Rey day in and day out wasn’t as difficult as he anticipated when she had first announced that she had zero intention of leaving.

In the morning, Ben would get up while it was still dark, grab a piece of fruit and swiftly walk out the front door and close it softly behind him. He didn’t dare glance at the sleeping form that lay bundled on the sofa. A sore subject as he’d offered her the bedroom multiple times and she had yet to relent, stubborn as she was. Instead he kept his head down and went straight to the lake for a run before then doing a vigorous core strengthening routine and finally finishing with a run through of combat training forms in the wooded glen about a mile from the small house. 

When Ben finally returned around lunch time, Rey would busy herself in the kitchen to scrounge up a hearty midday meal that usually consisted of toasted crushnip and dried galcot. For all Rey’s strengths, cooking was not one of them. Ben said nothing because just the thoughtfulness to include him in her meal preparations was enough to send his heart rocketing in his chest.

For Ben could never remember anybody ever having cared enough to feed him before.

With his heart practically in his throat, he watched her flit about his small kitchen and tucked into his meal trading with her small smiles of gratitude. Rey watched him as he ate. Her gaze was unnerving. Every time he took a bite, Rey would take a deep breath as if centering herself. Why, Ben couldn’t be sure but he thought perhaps she maybe felt the same way he did. While it was nice to have someone cook for _you_ , perhaps it was also just as warming to have someone to cook _for_.

To have someone to share a meal with

It was such a small, meager thing yet somehow it was blissfully fulfilling and Ben’s heart felt like it might burst out of his chest from just the sound of the plate scraping against the table as she set it down in front of him.

After only a week, they found themselves settling into a routine of sorts. A rhythm to dance to as they went about their daily tasks. 

When Ben would clean up from lunch, Rey would do the washing and hang the clothes to dry under the warm Nabooian sun and afterwards, they would tend the garden together. Hands caked with earth after pulling intrusive weeds from the beds of their vegetables and flower bulbs.

Ben taught Rey how to tend to each individual plant. He explained the homeostasis plants depended on to thrive. While some repelled certain insects, others drew them in; synchronizing their growth patterns which helped the plants work off each other to survive.

“Balance.” Rey said one day as he pulled a leaf off of a particularly savory herb and held it under her nose to smell it’s fragrant oils.

Ben’s eyes bore into hers. “Yes.” He swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly dry. “Balance.”

While he might have imagined it, Ben could have sworn he felt her fingertips graze his in the soil as they worked together to plant a row of tomatoes as the sun started to sink low over the mountains in the distance.

***

After gathering what was ready to be harvested from the garden, Ben would whip up dinner. His meals were slightly more culinarily refined than hers and Rey ate everything in sight with gusto, usually helping herself to seconds which pleased Ben tremendously. 

How he found this savage act of gorging oneself to be arousing, he wasn’t sure but he watched her mouth as she chewed, savoring every last morsel of food he provided her. Her ‘mmm’s of pleasure were his breaking point however and Ben would then have to busy himself with clearing and cleaning before his traitorous body could get the best of him.

In the evening, they would sit on the front porch and watch the last rays of sun stretch it’s luminous blanket of orange, pink and gold across the lake. Sometimes they would comment on the sunset or the weather or on the day itself however once the landscape was shrouded in the blueish black inkiness of night, Rey would stand and stretch and say:

“I’m going to take a shower and go to bed.”

Ben would only nod and wish her goodnight. He was sure to stay put on that porch until Rey was in bed, not daring to go inside until long after she switched off the light.

***

The second week of Rey’s stay is when things started to become… _less_ easy.

Rey had taken it upon herself to stop wearing her arm wraps. He noticed it when he came in from his morning workout and she stood in the kitchen; her lovely golden skin on display for his prying eyes as she reached up to grab plates for their midday meal. 

When she asked what he was staring at, Ben didn’t even have an answer and just sort of blinked at her, set his mouth into a hard line and made a straight for the fresher to take a cold shower.

She must have felt uncomfortable with the way he had been staring at her because by the time he had come out of the fresher, Rey had changed into a long sleeve tunic. She ate her food slower than normal as she looked everywhere but at him as they sat across from one another in silence.

The second thing was that she was completely open with him. She had no qualms about letting him know every little thought that crossed her mind… especially when it came to him.

“Where do you get your clothing now that it’s no longer being provided for you by the First Order? Your trousers seem to be more… _fitted_.” Rey casually asked him as he came out of the bedroom donning a pair of utility pants he wore when he chopped wood.

She had a strange look in her eyes and he mumbled an odd ‘thank you’ as he grabbed the axe by the door and left wondering why she felt the need to comment on his clothing before realizing that she asked him a question and didn’t in fact compliment him.

Another time she had asked him why his lips always looked so perfectly moisturized and continued to stare at them like she was trying to picture how they might feel. Or at least, that’s what he started to picture the moment she said something about this lips. He awkwardly cleared his throat and excused himself to grab some water as he suddenly became quite parched.

He knew what she was doing. He wasn’t an idiot.

Or maybe he was. But not about this. 

At least… he didn’t think he was…

Except he didn’t really know anything much about _this stuff._

So yes, maybe he was an idiot.

Ben tried to convince himself that there was no possible way she still felt the way she thought she did back moments before he died. She couldn’t. She _shouldn’t._

She was perfect and he was…

Ben wanted to call a spade a spade. And in his mind, he wasn’t sexually attractive so any advances he thought she might be making towards him were probably in his head where all his fantasies about her lived.

  
  
  


And then today happened.

  
  
  


That afternoon while in the garden, Ben pulled weeds and Rey took it upon herself to water some of the more parched plants. Rey grabbed two large buckets and headed off down to the banks of the river to fill them.

Ben was kneeling and pulling stubborn, intrusive vines from around the base of a row of kibla greens. The sun beat down upon him and even with the sleeves of his black tunic rolled up, it still wasn’t enough to cool him. Wiping sweat from his face with the back of his hand, he grabbed his canteen and gulped back large swigs of refreshing cold water, sitting up on his haunches and dumping a little on his face and the back of his neck to cool his skin. He closed his eyes and stretched his stiff limbs a little when he heard a loud crash behind him and turned to see what all the commotion was about.

There was Rey. Drenched and dripping from head to toe; the empty buckets now laying at her feet.

“Oh, bother.” She commented under her breath. “Even with the Force I’m as clumsy as a Wompa.” 

“Rey, how did you manage to—“

But he didn’t get to finish the sentence because before Ben could even process what was happening, Rey was peeling off her clothes; throwing her soggy leggings and tunic into a wet heap on the grass.

Leaving her in nothing but her underclothes.

Ben sat in the dirt gaping at her. Her magnificent, lithe body on full display for his wandering eyes as she knelt in front of him and started to wring out her clothing.

Ben had never really seen a woman out of uniform before. In the ranks of the First Order, women and men dressed identically; all femininity hidden behind unflattering military attire.

At the academy, it was similar. All padawans dressed alike whether male or female and the bulky robes of the Jedi were worn in humbleness and necessity leaving Ben very ignorant in what he did and did not find attractive about the opposite sex. Which was just as well… for Ben had always seemed to be drawn to the eyes of a woman however none before had ever really peaked his interest in the way Rey’s eyes seemed to.

But her back was to him now and Ben was suddenly granted a look at something most definitely _not_ her eyes and he took this small opportunity to greedily sweep his across her skin.

The slender curve of her neck where wisps of hair had fallen from her messy buns danced along her skin from the warm breeze. His eyes roamed along her further, raking over her as if studying a geographical map of mountainous terrain, his gaze taking in the alluring curve of her spine.

All the training she had done in the past year along with her slender frame and slight build allowed the finely honed muscles of her back to stand out and Ben found this particular part of her body to be quite beautiful. Not to mention her skin was still wonderfully wet; droplets slowly dripped along the ladder of her spine as if the water itself were worshiping her. Ben felt a heavy urge to lick the water from the gentle flare of her hips and though he didn’t know why, he desperately wanted to sink his teeth into the fleshy globes of her backside.

And then before he knew it, Ben’s imagination started to run away with him.

_He imagined himself removing his shirt and pressing his heated skin to hers from behind. His large hands, filthy with dirt and mud marring her clean skin as he placed them on her stomach and dragged them upwards towards her ribs and under her breast band to finally hold the light weight of her breasts in his palms. He’d rub them, maybe even pinch them and he pictured the fine grit of the dirt scraping against her sensitive flesh and his cock stirred at the thought._

_He’d bend her over, keeping one hand massaging her breasts and the other he would creep down between her legs and press his palm against her sex. He pictured her with her eyes closed, whispering his name as he teased her. Her hand coming up to thread her fingers in his hair, yanking his mouth to hers as she moaned against his parted lips._

_“Ben.”_

_Maybe he’d grind his erection against her backside as he kept up his ministrations against her cunt. He’d like to make her cum though he wasn’t even sure how to make that happen but it was his daydream dammit and so cum she would, thrusting into his palm. Afterwards he’d take out his cock and cum all over her back, water and semen mixing together to make a mess of her skin..._

“Ben!”

Ben shook his head vigorously to clear it. Rey was now staring at him with slight concern. 

“Are you alright? I called your name like three times and you were just _staring_ at me with this look on your face, like...” 

Rey gulped and really looked at him. A good hard look and he could only imagine what she saw. His posture was still hunched and his hands were clenched into the dirt which he must have done in a last ditch effort to not attempt to act out his depraved thoughts. 

“You're breathing really hard and you’re flushed.” Rey seemed to be struggling to catch her breath as well as she continued to stare wide eyed at him. Slowly and carefully, she turned her body fully to him and placed a hand gingerly on his knee. Ben jumped slightly at her touch but Rey either didn’t notice or chose to ignore it. 

“Maybe we should get out of the heat for a bit.” She suggested. “How does a walk in the woods sound, hmm? Get a little shade on us.” Her eyes held his, skeptically trying to read him.

“Good idea.” Ben nodded, his voice sounded breathy and uneven. “Let me just clean up and we’ll go.” But neither of them moved. They just sat there, him covered in dirt and her in her wet breast band and underwear, feeling like a complete fool as he teetered towards her as if his body was being pulled to hers like magnets; his heart still thumping wildly in his chest.

He held her gaze, question and concern still evident in her eyes that now seemed to be fixating on his lips. Her feather light touch on his knee had somehow inched higher and was now practically resting on his thigh.

She was leaning forward and Ben wanted so badly at that moment to just _grab_ her. Wanting to just feel the smoothness of her skin against him that he actually physically ached from the effort it took to stop himself from closing the distance between them and just have his way with her…

...not that he’d really know what to do once he had her.

A man could dream but in reality, he had never taken a lover so he’s sure that in this area too, just like in all other ways when it came to Rey, he’d only just disappoint her.

Her eyes were closing and her lips were suddenly only a whisper away from his own, her fingertips mere seconds away from discovering _exactly_ the effects she had on him and his thoughts...

He couldn’t do this. 

He refused to disappoint her. Not again. Not anymore.

So like the idiot he was, he leaned away from her lips and her freckles and her warmth and stood, looking down at her.

The abruptness of his movements must have taken Rey by surprise as she slumped forward slightly, perhaps expecting him to still be kneeling in front of her. Rey blinked up at him, her brows furrowed in confusion. 

“Perhaps you might want to cover up and put on some fresh clothing before we head out.” He said not looking at her while wiping the dirt from his hands.

Rey’s face fell as he moved away towards the house to wash up… with cold water, he was sure.

He glanced back to see Rey still kneeling in the garden staring after him, a look that resembled embarrassment and shame evident on her pretty face and Ben…

Ben had never hated himself more than in that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the shorter than normal chapter but this chapter was just wayyyy too long so I had to split it up. The next chapter should come along within a few days. Hope you enjoyed getting into Ben’s lonely and dirty mind for a minute.
> 
> Aaaaaaaaaaaaaas always...
> 
> KUDOS = 😎 
> 
> COMMENTS = ⛽️

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you reading ‘Mirror’, yes I am still going to finish it. This gave me a nice mental break and allowed the final few chapters to unfold for my blocked brain. I guess that’s what plot bunnies are for!
> 
> I live for comments so dropping one below is always welcomed. 🥰


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